14 May 2020

Uncle Aaron’s Bible Stories

Judah and Tamar – Prostitutes and Shepherds

After Joseph’s brothers successfully convinced Jacob that he had been killed by wild beasts, Judah decided to go hang out with his buddy Hirah in Adullam. While Judah was on sabbatical in Adullam he found a nameless woman whose only identity was “Daughter of Shua” and “Canaanite”. He married her and they had three sons. […]

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Ruth – A “Correct” Retelling

Back yonder in Judah in the good old days lived a man named Elim’elech. He and his wife, Naomi, had two fine boys by the name of Chil’ion and Mahlon. Well, the good times they were enjoying came to a crashing halt when all the crops dried up, got eaten by locusts and it flat […]

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Uncle Aaron’s Bible Stories – The Flood – Part 3

After the feast and blessings from God, Noah and his family found a great place to settle down. Forgetting that anyone at all had been alive before the flood, Noah became the first rancher and farmer. His grief over the flood was so great that he primarily planted grapes and re-invented wine, spending the rest […]

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Uncle Aaron’s Bible Stories – On the Sons of God and the Nephilim

I decided to make this a post of its own as the notes on the Flood Part 1 were becoming more treatise than blog post. I want to note that I’m writing this as if it actually happened. I believe that the Nephilim are ancient mythological interpretations of something in the world the ancients did […]

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Uncle Aaron’s Bible Stories – The Flood Part 2

The flood waters rose and covered even the tallest mountains covering all of them in at least twenty two feet of water. Noah and his family stared at the utter destruction of everything they knew. God killed everything that lived on the land and draws air for breath.  For one hundred and fifty days the […]

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Uncle Aaron’s Bible Stories – A Cynical Take on Noah’s Flood – Part 1

It came to pass that humanity had spread across all of the earth. Girl children began to be born almost immediately, but it took some time for people to acknowledge their existence. Life on earth was that of constant hard work and toil. This hard work combined with adequate nutrition guaranteed that a great number […]

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Uncle Aaron’s Bible Stories – Genealogy Break!

I couldn’t really think of a funny way to write about the genealogies in Genesis, because it’s just this guy is this other guy’s father with occasional “and he did this thing” peppered in. So, you just get my crappy amateur commentary. Note, I cannot read Hebrew, I can however match shapes to other shapes, […]

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Uncle Aaron’s Bible Stories – A Cynical Take on Cain and Abel

Once the man and Eve were exiled from the garden they started humping like sex-starved rabbits in spring. After one of their many daily encounters with the beast with two backs, Eve became pregnant with her first child.“Oh my God! Like, with God’s help, I have made a little man!” she said, holding the newborn […]

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Uncle Aaron’s Bible Stories – A Cynical Take on Adam and Eve

The Fall In the garden of Eden there lived a snake. Of every land animal, the snake was by far the most cunning. Among all the animals that lived, the snake was the third craftiest. Only the octopus of the sea, and raven of the air were more wise than she. One day the snake […]

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Uncle Aaron’s Bible Stories – A Cynical Take on Biblical Creation

Creation: The First Try At some point before time began, the gods decided to start making the heavens and the earth. The earth itself had no shape, and contained nothing except an endless, lifeless ocean. For some reason God’s spirit fluttered over the abyss as a wind.After a time God said, “Let there be light”. […]

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