After the feast and blessings from God, Noah and his family found a great place to settle down. Forgetting that anyone at all had been alive before the flood, Noah became the first rancher and farmer. His grief over the flood was so great that he primarily planted grapes and re-invented wine, spending the rest… Continue reading Uncle Aaron’s Bible Stories – The Flood – Part 3
I decided to make this a post of its own as the notes on the Flood Part 1 were becoming more treatise than blog post. I want to note that I’m writing this as if it actually happened. I believe that the Nephilim are ancient mythological interpretations of something in the world the ancients did… Continue reading Uncle Aaron’s Bible Stories – On the Sons of God and the Nephilim
The flood waters rose and covered even the tallest mountains covering all of them in at least twenty two feet of water. Noah and his family stared at the utter destruction of everything they knew. God killed everything that lived on the land and draws air for breath. For one hundred and fifty days the… Continue reading Uncle Aaron’s Bible Stories – The Flood Part 2
It came to pass that humanity had spread across all of the earth. Girl children began to be born almost immediately, but it took some time for people to acknowledge their existence. Life on earth was that of constant hard work and toil. This hard work combined with adequate nutrition guaranteed that a great number… Continue reading Uncle Aaron’s Bible Stories – A Cynical Take on Noah’s Flood – Part 1
I couldn’t really think of a funny way to write about the genealogies in Genesis, because it’s just this guy is this other guy’s father with occasional “and he did this thing” peppered in. So, you just get my crappy amateur commentary. Note, I cannot read Hebrew, I can however match shapes to other shapes,… Continue reading Uncle Aaron’s Bible Stories – Genealogy Break!
Once the man and Eve were exiled from the garden they started humping like sex-starved rabbits in spring. After one of their many daily encounters with the beast with two backs, Eve became pregnant with her first child.“Oh my God! Like, with God’s help, I have made a little man!” she said, holding the newborn… Continue reading Uncle Aaron’s Bible Stories – A Cynical Take on Cain and Abel
The Fall In the garden of Eden there lived a snake. Of every land animal, the snake was by far the most cunning. Among all the animals that lived, the snake was the third craftiest. Only the octopus of the sea, and raven of the air were more wise than she. One day the snake… Continue reading Uncle Aaron’s Bible Stories – A Cynical Take on Adam and Eve
Creation: The First Try At some point before time began, the gods decided to start making the heavens and the earth. The earth itself had no shape, and contained nothing except an endless, lifeless ocean. For some reason God’s spirit fluttered over the abyss as a wind.After a time God said, “Let there be light”.… Continue reading Uncle Aaron’s Bible Stories – A Cynical Take on Biblical Creation